"A Longing Fulfilled..."

"You're pregnant."  The two words I have longed to hear for so long.  Two words that even now, seem more like a dream than our reality.  I'll tell you the full story...

The transfer was so much easier than the egg retrieval, physically that is.  We walked in to a sterile office with bright, blinding lights that definitely didn't have the warm feel I was expecting.  The embryologist met us at the entrance, talked us through the procedure, and showed us the embryo that they were going to implant.  Yes, we only implanted one, and apparently it was a beast of an embryo.  They classify them by size and quality, and our was the biggest and best you can get.  Check it out...

Beauty, isn't it?  I'm not even sure what I'm looking at but let me tell you, seeing this picture in that moment brought me to tears.  Definitely not my last cry of the day...we walked in to the exam room where my doctor met us and again talked us through what he was going to do.  We were also able to see a video of the fertilization/growing process this little peanut went through.  The procedure itself was pain-free, I honestly didn't feel anything.

However, it was so much more emotional than I expected.  After it was implanted, they wanted me to lay there for 30 minutes so they left the room.  Immediately, Jared and I both broke out in sobs.  In that moment, the emotion was so overwhelming.  Through the tears, we put on worship music from my phone, Jared read scripture, and we covered the room and my body with prayer.  That sterile and cold doctors office turned in to a place of worship for us and it was such a sweet and intimate moment.  Here we are after the transfer holding a picture of the implant:

So enter the two week wait (2ww).  My doctor prescribed bed rest for three days followed by 'house arrest' for an additional four and then taking it easy the remaining three.  I felt so covered by prayer during that time.  Honestly, the only emotion that hit me hard was when I thought about the body of Christ and how surrounded I was by encouragement and prayer.  My girlfriends came over to lay their hands on me, people brought flowers, meals, and I was constantly sent texts of encouragement and verses to get me through that time.

My prayer going in to that time was that the Lord would give me soft whispers of truth.  The one thing I heard from him over and over was, "Kelly, do you love me? If you love me, trust me."  The ten days of waiting strengthened my faith in a radical way.  I felt a total dependence on him that filled me with a confidence I can't explain.  I didn't have any anxiety, fear or doubt but rejoiced and worshiped in the waiting because I knew HE had me.  I filled my rest time with a lot of journaling, praying, listening to worship, and down time with the hubby.

Fast forward ten days to the morning of our blood test.  We went in at 7am, went out to breakfast after, and got home around 8:30 to get a call from our doctor around 8:45.  That in itself was an answer to prayer because Jared had to leave the house at 9:15 and we really wanted to be together when we got the news.  My doctor got straight to the point..."Well, you're definitely pregnant."

Once again, Jared and I burst in to tears and embraced, prayed, worshiped and cried some more.  What a relief!!  Finally, to have a breakthrough! Thank you, Jesus for a "yes!"  I get so overwhelmed when I think about what was going on in heaven during those two weeks.  Believers begging in Jesus name and interceding on my behalf and to finally get a "yes" even now makes my heart jump with joy!  I know the journey isn't over and it's still very early (as I write this, I'm 6 weeks pregnant) but I trust that the Lord will see this through.

We continue to go to my doctor once a week for blood work and ultrasounds-all of my levels look good and my ultrasound shows a clear and healthy sac.  We should be able to hear the heartbeat in another week!!  Prayers are needed now more than ever as we look ahead to the 12 week mark.  We're specifically praying for a shield of protection to surround the fetal sac, that they baby continues growing at a healthy rate, and this week basic facial features are developing so we're praying over the eyes and ears and nose!  Thank you, again, for joining us on this journey.  More updates next week...

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

"Lean not on your own understanding..."

We are about one week from our transfer and let me tell you, minute by minute my emotions change.  I've been explaining to people that I fell like I'm constantly at the intersection of hope and fear.  Hopeful for the future, fear for the unknown..trying to be expectantly joyful.

I've also experienced, not for the first time but more often these past few weeks, tough conversations with people that don't understand our choice to proceed with IVF.  I'm going to go with the assumption that the conversations came from a place of a genuine desire to understand, and not from a place of judgement.  People who tend to be quick to judge in this matter do not take into consideration that when a Christian couple makes the decision to go with IVF, typically, it is a decision that is made with much prayer and seeking God's guidance in the matter.  The decision to do IVF is not made flippantly.  Our decision was certainly not made flippantly.

I also believe that people who are quick to judge most likely are people who have never walked down the road of infertility.  People may think they know how they would walk a certain road if ever they had to walk it, but the truth is, until they have actually walked the road, there is no way possible for them to know what decisions they would be forced to make along the way and what choices will be made.  The general public, being that they are fertile (infertility strikes 1 out of 6 couples in the USA) do not have a clear definition and picture of what infertility really means.  This is understandably so!  Why would a couple who decides, "It's time to make a baby!" and then several months later is pregnant need to know about infertility, IVF and all the other lovely things that come with it?  They don't!

What most people don't realize is that infertility is a disease.  Heart disease is a rampant disease here in America.  Infertility is just as much of a disease that negatively affects the reproductive system like heart disease negatively affects the circulatory system.  That is a hard reality to swallow-especially for someone who has dreamed, since childhood, of being pregnant and having a baby!

Yes, I am infertile but I am first and foremost, a Christian.  I realized quickly that the heartache and pain I was experiencing by going through infertility was not a curse in any way but was (and is) god's way of allowing His glory, His power, and His strength to shine through me as I walk this very dark road.  It was when I realized this truth, shortly after starting my infertility journey, that I chose God.  I did not choose bitterness, anger, jealousy, rage and hurt, although all of those emotions have certainly played a role at some point during this journey.  Infertility has a way of knocking you down flat on your face, month after month.  However, I am a Christian, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what was (and is) available to me...

...God's love, God's peace, God's joy, God's strength, God's power.  I knew all of that, and more, was available to me if I chose to give up my own will and surrender to God's will.  Giving up my will for God's will also requires something else.  It requires seeking God's guidance and direction for every decision that must be made.  This is why a close walk with God is so important!  Knowing God's will and seeking His guidance takes close, daily fellowship with Him.  It also takes prayer.  A lot of prayer.  Talking to God, and most importantly, listening to God.  And then following God's leading-no matter where He leads you to go.

It sounds cliche but to say God lead us to IVF is the absolute truth!  Which is why I also believe two dedicated Christians seeking God's will, can come to two different conclusions when deciding to do IVF or to not do IVF. God's plan and purpose behind my infertility journey is not the same exact plan and purpose behind another couple's infertility journey.

Three years in to it, I still do not have the complete picture but this I have learned:

Anyone who makes a judgmental statement towards a dedicated, God-fearing couple and their decision to proceed with IVF after seeking God in the matter, is essentially judging their personal relationship with God.  The Bible clearly states that it is only God who clearly sees in to the heart of a man and his motivations.  God has plans for us that far exceed anything we can ever plan for ourselves.  If we are to discover these marvelous plans that God has mapped out for our lives before we even live one day on this earth, it is going to take having a close, personal relationship with Jesus, a surrender of our wills for God's perfect will and an obedient heart that follows the lead of God.

That leaves no room for judgmental statements.

"Trust in the Lord wit hall your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path."  Proverbs 3: 5-6

"Hope does not disappoint..."

It's been a while since I've posted...approximately two and a half months and for no reason other than the fact that I have simply been enjoying summer.  At my last doctor's appointment, when they checked to make sure everything was shrinking back to normal after my retrieval, I asked my doctor, "What now?"  His response, "Have a blast this summer."

And we have!  Our summer has been full of adventures and activities-from best friends' weddings, to our favorite week of the year at FCA camp, celebrating our 5 year anniversary in Cabo, Hall family vacation in Breckenridge, CO, and lots of time at the beach in between!  Enjoy...

One of our new favorite restaurants-Flora Farms in Cabo 

Road tripping out to CO-we stayed at Zion National Park on the way there, and Grand Canyon National Park on the way home!

McCullough Gulch Trail in Breckenridge-Nala was the best hiking partner!

Last, but certainly not least-we won the Beach Flag Football Championship :)

Along with lots of play time this summer, Jared and I also experienced a joy in waiting.  Many people asked me if it was hard to wait, knowing that we have embryos ready to implant and my response was-that it was exactly what the Lord knew I needed.  I was able to take a break from controlling and obsessing over every decision I made for my body and how it may or may not have been affecting our chance for a baby.  In that break, I was able to find a peace that came from placing my hope not in the future or my own understandings, but in the only place that won't disappoint-in Jesus.  He is what my hoping heart searches for and taking these two months to find it and rest in Him has been sweet.

Now don't get me wrong; a break in medications, fertility dieting, monitoring exercise, and everything else did not mean a break from the desire for a baby.  It was still at the forefront of my mind and in the depths of my prayers and main the topic of our conversations.  I still experienced a deep longing for our child but instead of turning it in to desperation, I held tight to the truth that Jesus has wrapped his powerful arms around me and He will never, ever let me go.  Oh the joy that comes from that!  We've waited expectantly and we've waited joyfully.  Thank you, Jesus!

And as of yesterday, that waiting is over.  We are officially on day two of our three week preparation for transfer.  Back to medications, back to fertility dieting, acupuncture, and back to hormonal Kelly (pray for Jared!)  I will have weekly check ups with my doctor until he determines the exact day for transfer within a week window, around September 4th.  We are back on our knees asking the Lord to specifically prepare my uterus to fully receive our baby.  We are praying for the health of our embryo that will be transferred, and we are praying for protection over our hearts and our marriage.  Thank you for coming on this journey with us, and thank you for your prayers.

"And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God... And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:2-5

"You knit me together..."

I've hatched.  Literally, this mama chicken carrying all her eggs has hatched and let me tell you, it wasn't fun.  I'm not going to share a beautiful story about it because it wasn't and still isn't pretty.  No one prepared me for the recovery from egg retrieval and as ready as I was for the process, boy was it emotional.

Day of ER (Egg Retrieval) Tineline:

11:45am-JHall and I showed up at the surgery center to check-in and fill out paperwork

12:45pm-They took me back in to the pre-op room and prepared me for surgery.  An IV line was stuck in my left wrist and I was tucked in to a hospital bed.  They gave me "happy medicine" which Jared said made me cookoo and then knocked me out with anesthesia.

2:00pm-I woke up from a 20 minute procedure in tears from the pain that I experienced in my lower abdomen.  The nurses immediately gave me pain meds through my IV line and a stronger pill to take that knocked me out again.

2:30pm-My hero of a husband came back to rescue me and helped prepare me to go home.  At this point, the nurse told us that they weren't finished counting the eggs but that the doctor said the procedure was a success!  Praise the Lord!

3:00pm-We head home and I slept the rest of the day until about 6:30pm that night.  Jared was THE BEST and totally took care of everything-got me coconut water, pills, pillows, food, took care of our very concerned pup and just let me rest.

1 Day post ER: I was bloated like I've never experienced in my entire life, looking like I was 3 months pregnant, and still nauseous from the anesthesia.  The lab called and gave us the exact number of eggs that were retrieved and fertilized.  Let me just say, our prayers were answered!

2 Days post ER: Still bloated, uncomfortable, no appetite.  Toward the end of the night, the worst stomach pain I can describe started to occur.  Felt like I was being kicked in the stomach...constantly.

3 Days post ER (today!): Did I mention it's my birthday?! Woo hoo!  My body's gift to me was continued bloating and stomach pain...lucky me!  I called my doctor to find out if that was normal and apparently my ovaries are so enlarged that they are pushing up on my stomach and basically just squeezing everything together...OUCH!  My advice?  comfort foods, electrolytes, Advil, and lots of fiber-even the medicated kind ;)  

Yes, I just made that sound really bad...and it was.  BUT as I sit here and write this with intense stomach pain I can't help but be SO thankful for modern medicine.  It literally brings me to tears thinking about our babies being formed right now.  Literally, right now!  I jump for joy every time the lab calls us to give updates about their progress and as weird as this sounds, I seriously already feel attached to them.  As I was talking to the lab technician, Stan, today I started crying to him over the phone and couldn't help myself from saying, "keep growing my babies and I will be forever thankful!"  He must get that all the time...

I know that Stan, the lab tech, isn't growing our babies but my powerful, wonderful, glorious, Heavenly Father is.  I am at such peace about this process and it comes from the faith that I have in Him, only Him.  Yes, I'm thankful for modern medicine but that is NOT where my faith is.  Yes, I'm thankful for Stan, but he is not who I'm putting my hope in.  Thank you, Jesus that you are the author of our lives.  Even though this process is not at all what I dreamed up for myself, I know that the Lord knows every single cell that is forming our babies bodies together.  Cool fact: right now each one is made up of 8 cells and over the next 3 days will grow up to 400-500 cells!  IVF is the tool through which the Lord is creating our family.  He is knitting our babies together right now...in a test tube.  Hallelujah!

This week, in addition to the physical growth of our babies, I'm praying specifically for their spiritual and emotional growth as well.  The Lord told me that I need to stop praying for a baby, I've got them, and I need to start praying for their character.  I'm proclaiming one fruit of the Spirit over my baby every day for the next nine days.  Today is love...I pray that our child would fall madly in love with Jesus at a young age.  I pray that they would love all of God's people and that their heart would specifically break for the lost.  I pray that they would receive God's unconditional love daily and know that true love only comes from Him.  Amen!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" Psalm 139:13

"Bones you have crushed..."

In the midst of trials, God's grace isn't only revealed through moments of joy but also comes through suffering.  I'm learning to experience His care in many forms, even broken bones.

I wish your care was always easy, predictable, safe-
a cool drink
a soft pillow-
but you are too wise;
too loving,
too committed to your work of
transforming grace.
So your gracious care comes to me
in uncomfortable forms;
the redeeming care of
disappointment,
the unexpected
trial,
suffering, loss.
These things don't tell me you're
cold-hearted,
absent,
uninvolved.
No, each is a sign of
zealous grace,
redeeming love.
I struggle to grasp how much you care,
so I struggle to rest in that
care.
You care enough to give me what I need,
not what I want.
You care enough to break my bones
in order
to recapture my heart.

-New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp

These past few weeks, the Lord has been faithful to give me hints of where He is in the midst of our infertility journey.  It comes from confirmation that we're on the right path, through aligned prayers from other believers, and whispers from His Spirit.  We are knee-deep in our first IVF cycle that we started on May 25th.  The first confirmation we feel came from the Lord was-the only two weeks in a row that we are around this whole summer (which is required for phase one) is this week and last week, exactly when my doctor wanted to start.  The second confirmation came when we found out that my insurance is going to cover the majority (80%) of our costs.  My insurance is through my company in Boston, and apparently, Massachusetts is the only state that covers infertility treatments.  Praise the Lord!

So my days these past two weeks have been filled with two injections (morning and night), an ultrasound and blood work every other day, acupuncture twice a week, and constantly feeling like a bloated chicken ready to hatch...too much information??  Seriously though, I think these weeks are preparing me for an actual pregnancy and all of the discomfort associated with it.  Most likely we will do our egg retrieval on Thursday or Friday of this week so we're praying that all nine of the follicles we see will grow to full-term.

In church this Sunday, they announced a new series titled 'Listen' and it is coming at the perfect time for me.  I find myself telling the Lord my plans, my wants, my dreams, my hopes, basically talking at Him all day when what I really should be doing is silently waiting for His voice.  I've committed for the month of June to carve out half of my quiet time in the morning to do just that...be quiet and listen.  I can't wait to hear what the Lord has to say and start to align my wants with what He knows I need.

"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice." Psalm 51:8

"Whether this or that..."

There have been a few times in my life where God's Word has literally jumped off the pages of my Bible and breathed life in to me.  One time was shortly after my dad passed away-as I was struggling to comprehend where God was in the midst of my hurt, Isaiah 43 was revealed to me:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; 

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers;

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, 

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"

That is still a verse I cling to when the uncertainty of God's plan and timing leads me searching for truths.  Recently, the Lord spoke again to me through scripture-Ecclesiastes 11: 5-6:

"As you do not know the path of the wind,

or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

the maker of all things.

Sow your seed in the morning,

and at evening let not your hands be idle,

for you do not know which will succeed,

whether this or that,

or whether both will do equally well."

Are you kidding me?!?  I never read that verse until a few weeks ago.  I take that back-I've probably read it before but never in a way where I felt the Lord speaking directly to me about our desire to be parents.  No more clear than an audible voice did I hear God, through this verse telling me to act.  I felt the presence of God directing me to plant seeds in multiple areas-infertility treatments, international adoption, and domestic adoption, to wait and see what He will do..."whether this or that."

I know our house will be full and I know at the end of this, I will look back in awe of God's story.  We have already seen Him at work.  Last week, we applied to four different adoption agencies; two for domestic-infant adoption and two for international adoption.  Two of the four doors have already been closed.  Only two agencies would allow us to proceed while simultaneously doing infertility treatments.  One agency is specifically for domestic, infant adoption and the other is specifically for international adoption.  Yesterday, we met with a couple who has done both-domestic and international.  They really helped paint us a picture of both processes and reality definitely started setting in about the challenging journey we are about to embark on.  We haven't decided whether to pursue both or one at a time and if the later, we're having a hard time deciding which option we're feeling more called to.

Yesterday, we also met with our doctor about next steps concerning fertility treatments.  We have decided to take at least this next cycle off because we have an insanely busy summer coming upon us and the extensiveness of IVF requires office visits every 2-3 days for at least three weeks out of my cycle.  While I don't think I'll ever actually get a mental break from our infertility, it is nice to think about having a few cycles off from obsessing over days, nutrition, physical activity, and everything else involved.

What's next?  Jared and I are getting on our knees and asking the Lord to direct us to which adoption route to pursue-domestic, international, or both.  Domestic timeline is 6-18 months, international can take up to 4 years, and both are not cheap.  We have a meeting this Thursday with our domestic adoption agency and a meeting next Wednesday with the international one.  Hopefully, by the end of next week, we will be able to make a decision.  Will you join with us in praying for that?

"Your Kingdom Come..."

Clearly my plans are not the same as God's plans for our family.  As a woman with a type-A personality, telling me that I don't have control over my family, my body, my timing, isn't something that sits well.  Nevertheless, the lesson of surrender is one that I have been and will continue to be learning.  My 'kingdom' doesn't rule over His.  On the contrary, I have to surrender my plans, dreams, my kingdom to the Lord daily and ask that His Kingdom would come.  Lord, give me the grace to do that.  I surrender the plans of our family to you and ask that you would use me as a vessel to expand your kingdom and bring glory to your name.

This infertility journey is not one that any woman expects to find herself on.  More so, as someone who questioned for the majority of her life whether or not I even wanted kids, when that desire came, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  In high school and college, I used to say that I didn't want to have any babies because I didn't want to go through pregnancy or labor, and because of my missions trip experiences, I knew that there were kids all over the world who needed a loving family.  I thought I would adopt all the orphans of the world and raise them in a commune.  That all changed when I fell madly in love with my husband, Jared.  I'm not quite sure how to describe it but I basically became obsessed with the thought of our babies having his amazing characteristics-strength, courage, integrity, joy, humility, humor, good looks...shall I keep going?  So, like most married couples, we wanted a few years to settle in to our married life and travel before we started trying to conceive.  We lived it up-traveled somewhere new every year, became beach bums of Huntington Beach where we recently bought a house, picked up new hobbies, and both started our dream jobs.

Fast forward three years into marriage, we found ourselves surrounded with babies and began having the conversations about trying.  For about a year we were content with "not not trying", know what I mean?  We weren't actively charting or monitoring but we also weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant.  Then, for about another year I began charting and became overly obsessed with understanding my cycle and fertility until about six months ago when we began fertility treatments.  We went to a reproductive endocrinologist who performed every test in the book only to determine that Jared and I were both completely fine and if anything, very fertile.  After three rounds of medication with IUI (intrauterine insemination) we now find ourselves at the beginning of our next journey.

From the start of infertility treatments, we prayed about adoption.  As I mentioned, it was always a desire of mine and Jared has always been open to it.  However, praying and acting are two very different things.  Up until now, I found myself resistant to starting the process of adoption because a little part of me felt like I was giving up on the idea of having biological children.  I began the infertility journey wanting to put every effort in to having biological children and then pursue adoption.  So what changed?  A girl can only take so many constant whispers from the Lord before it is plain and simple disobedience to not act.  He came at me from all angles-in songs, verses, sermons, conversations with people I trust, all directing me to act.  And so here we are-stepping out in faith and waiting to see what the Lord will do.  In a week we have our first IVF consultation and we have also submitted initial adoption applications to multiple agencies, both for domestic and international adoption.

I have no idea what story the Lord is writing for us but I do know this-His plans are always better than ours.  I'm clinging to the promises of scripture through this time and I'm choosing to joyfully wait for what He will do.  I must remember that God didn't give me grace for my kingdom to work, but to capture me for a better kingdom.

"Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10