"Bones you have crushed..."

In the midst of trials, God's grace isn't only revealed through moments of joy but also comes through suffering.  I'm learning to experience His care in many forms, even broken bones.

I wish your care was always easy, predictable, safe-
a cool drink
a soft pillow-
but you are too wise;
too loving,
too committed to your work of
transforming grace.
So your gracious care comes to me
in uncomfortable forms;
the redeeming care of
disappointment,
the unexpected
trial,
suffering, loss.
These things don't tell me you're
cold-hearted,
absent,
uninvolved.
No, each is a sign of
zealous grace,
redeeming love.
I struggle to grasp how much you care,
so I struggle to rest in that
care.
You care enough to give me what I need,
not what I want.
You care enough to break my bones
in order
to recapture my heart.

-New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp

These past few weeks, the Lord has been faithful to give me hints of where He is in the midst of our infertility journey.  It comes from confirmation that we're on the right path, through aligned prayers from other believers, and whispers from His Spirit.  We are knee-deep in our first IVF cycle that we started on May 25th.  The first confirmation we feel came from the Lord was-the only two weeks in a row that we are around this whole summer (which is required for phase one) is this week and last week, exactly when my doctor wanted to start.  The second confirmation came when we found out that my insurance is going to cover the majority (80%) of our costs.  My insurance is through my company in Boston, and apparently, Massachusetts is the only state that covers infertility treatments.  Praise the Lord!

So my days these past two weeks have been filled with two injections (morning and night), an ultrasound and blood work every other day, acupuncture twice a week, and constantly feeling like a bloated chicken ready to hatch...too much information??  Seriously though, I think these weeks are preparing me for an actual pregnancy and all of the discomfort associated with it.  Most likely we will do our egg retrieval on Thursday or Friday of this week so we're praying that all nine of the follicles we see will grow to full-term.

In church this Sunday, they announced a new series titled 'Listen' and it is coming at the perfect time for me.  I find myself telling the Lord my plans, my wants, my dreams, my hopes, basically talking at Him all day when what I really should be doing is silently waiting for His voice.  I've committed for the month of June to carve out half of my quiet time in the morning to do just that...be quiet and listen.  I can't wait to hear what the Lord has to say and start to align my wants with what He knows I need.

"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice." Psalm 51:8