Clearly my plans are not the same as God's plans for our family. As a woman with a type-A personality, telling me that I don't have control over my family, my body, my timing, isn't something that sits well. Nevertheless, the lesson of surrender is one that I have been and will continue to be learning. My 'kingdom' doesn't rule over His. On the contrary, I have to surrender my plans, dreams, my kingdom to the Lord daily and ask that His Kingdom would come. Lord, give me the grace to do that. I surrender the plans of our family to you and ask that you would use me as a vessel to expand your kingdom and bring glory to your name.
This infertility journey is not one that any woman expects to find herself on. More so, as someone who questioned for the majority of her life whether or not I even wanted kids, when that desire came, it hit me like a ton of bricks. In high school and college, I used to say that I didn't want to have any babies because I didn't want to go through pregnancy or labor, and because of my missions trip experiences, I knew that there were kids all over the world who needed a loving family. I thought I would adopt all the orphans of the world and raise them in a commune. That all changed when I fell madly in love with my husband, Jared. I'm not quite sure how to describe it but I basically became obsessed with the thought of our babies having his amazing characteristics-strength, courage, integrity, joy, humility, humor, good looks...shall I keep going? So, like most married couples, we wanted a few years to settle in to our married life and travel before we started trying to conceive. We lived it up-traveled somewhere new every year, became beach bums of Huntington Beach where we recently bought a house, picked up new hobbies, and both started our dream jobs.
Fast forward three years into marriage, we found ourselves surrounded with babies and began having the conversations about trying. For about a year we were content with "not not trying", know what I mean? We weren't actively charting or monitoring but we also weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. Then, for about another year I began charting and became overly obsessed with understanding my cycle and fertility until about six months ago when we began fertility treatments. We went to a reproductive endocrinologist who performed every test in the book only to determine that Jared and I were both completely fine and if anything, very fertile. After three rounds of medication with IUI (intrauterine insemination) we now find ourselves at the beginning of our next journey.
From the start of infertility treatments, we prayed about adoption. As I mentioned, it was always a desire of mine and Jared has always been open to it. However, praying and acting are two very different things. Up until now, I found myself resistant to starting the process of adoption because a little part of me felt like I was giving up on the idea of having biological children. I began the infertility journey wanting to put every effort in to having biological children and then pursue adoption. So what changed? A girl can only take so many constant whispers from the Lord before it is plain and simple disobedience to not act. He came at me from all angles-in songs, verses, sermons, conversations with people I trust, all directing me to act. And so here we are-stepping out in faith and waiting to see what the Lord will do. In a week we have our first IVF consultation and we have also submitted initial adoption applications to multiple agencies, both for domestic and international adoption.
I have no idea what story the Lord is writing for us but I do know this-His plans are always better than ours. I'm clinging to the promises of scripture through this time and I'm choosing to joyfully wait for what He will do. I must remember that God didn't give me grace for my kingdom to work, but to capture me for a better kingdom.
"Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10
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