"You knit me together..."

I've hatched.  Literally, this mama chicken carrying all her eggs has hatched and let me tell you, it wasn't fun.  I'm not going to share a beautiful story about it because it wasn't and still isn't pretty.  No one prepared me for the recovery from egg retrieval and as ready as I was for the process, boy was it emotional.

Day of ER (Egg Retrieval) Tineline:

11:45am-JHall and I showed up at the surgery center to check-in and fill out paperwork

12:45pm-They took me back in to the pre-op room and prepared me for surgery.  An IV line was stuck in my left wrist and I was tucked in to a hospital bed.  They gave me "happy medicine" which Jared said made me cookoo and then knocked me out with anesthesia.

2:00pm-I woke up from a 20 minute procedure in tears from the pain that I experienced in my lower abdomen.  The nurses immediately gave me pain meds through my IV line and a stronger pill to take that knocked me out again.

2:30pm-My hero of a husband came back to rescue me and helped prepare me to go home.  At this point, the nurse told us that they weren't finished counting the eggs but that the doctor said the procedure was a success!  Praise the Lord!

3:00pm-We head home and I slept the rest of the day until about 6:30pm that night.  Jared was THE BEST and totally took care of everything-got me coconut water, pills, pillows, food, took care of our very concerned pup and just let me rest.

1 Day post ER: I was bloated like I've never experienced in my entire life, looking like I was 3 months pregnant, and still nauseous from the anesthesia.  The lab called and gave us the exact number of eggs that were retrieved and fertilized.  Let me just say, our prayers were answered!

2 Days post ER: Still bloated, uncomfortable, no appetite.  Toward the end of the night, the worst stomach pain I can describe started to occur.  Felt like I was being kicked in the stomach...constantly.

3 Days post ER (today!): Did I mention it's my birthday?! Woo hoo!  My body's gift to me was continued bloating and stomach pain...lucky me!  I called my doctor to find out if that was normal and apparently my ovaries are so enlarged that they are pushing up on my stomach and basically just squeezing everything together...OUCH!  My advice?  comfort foods, electrolytes, Advil, and lots of fiber-even the medicated kind ;)  

Yes, I just made that sound really bad...and it was.  BUT as I sit here and write this with intense stomach pain I can't help but be SO thankful for modern medicine.  It literally brings me to tears thinking about our babies being formed right now.  Literally, right now!  I jump for joy every time the lab calls us to give updates about their progress and as weird as this sounds, I seriously already feel attached to them.  As I was talking to the lab technician, Stan, today I started crying to him over the phone and couldn't help myself from saying, "keep growing my babies and I will be forever thankful!"  He must get that all the time...

I know that Stan, the lab tech, isn't growing our babies but my powerful, wonderful, glorious, Heavenly Father is.  I am at such peace about this process and it comes from the faith that I have in Him, only Him.  Yes, I'm thankful for modern medicine but that is NOT where my faith is.  Yes, I'm thankful for Stan, but he is not who I'm putting my hope in.  Thank you, Jesus that you are the author of our lives.  Even though this process is not at all what I dreamed up for myself, I know that the Lord knows every single cell that is forming our babies bodies together.  Cool fact: right now each one is made up of 8 cells and over the next 3 days will grow up to 400-500 cells!  IVF is the tool through which the Lord is creating our family.  He is knitting our babies together right now...in a test tube.  Hallelujah!

This week, in addition to the physical growth of our babies, I'm praying specifically for their spiritual and emotional growth as well.  The Lord told me that I need to stop praying for a baby, I've got them, and I need to start praying for their character.  I'm proclaiming one fruit of the Spirit over my baby every day for the next nine days.  Today is love...I pray that our child would fall madly in love with Jesus at a young age.  I pray that they would love all of God's people and that their heart would specifically break for the lost.  I pray that they would receive God's unconditional love daily and know that true love only comes from Him.  Amen!

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" Psalm 139:13

"Bones you have crushed..."

In the midst of trials, God's grace isn't only revealed through moments of joy but also comes through suffering.  I'm learning to experience His care in many forms, even broken bones.

I wish your care was always easy, predictable, safe-
a cool drink
a soft pillow-
but you are too wise;
too loving,
too committed to your work of
transforming grace.
So your gracious care comes to me
in uncomfortable forms;
the redeeming care of
disappointment,
the unexpected
trial,
suffering, loss.
These things don't tell me you're
cold-hearted,
absent,
uninvolved.
No, each is a sign of
zealous grace,
redeeming love.
I struggle to grasp how much you care,
so I struggle to rest in that
care.
You care enough to give me what I need,
not what I want.
You care enough to break my bones
in order
to recapture my heart.

-New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp

These past few weeks, the Lord has been faithful to give me hints of where He is in the midst of our infertility journey.  It comes from confirmation that we're on the right path, through aligned prayers from other believers, and whispers from His Spirit.  We are knee-deep in our first IVF cycle that we started on May 25th.  The first confirmation we feel came from the Lord was-the only two weeks in a row that we are around this whole summer (which is required for phase one) is this week and last week, exactly when my doctor wanted to start.  The second confirmation came when we found out that my insurance is going to cover the majority (80%) of our costs.  My insurance is through my company in Boston, and apparently, Massachusetts is the only state that covers infertility treatments.  Praise the Lord!

So my days these past two weeks have been filled with two injections (morning and night), an ultrasound and blood work every other day, acupuncture twice a week, and constantly feeling like a bloated chicken ready to hatch...too much information??  Seriously though, I think these weeks are preparing me for an actual pregnancy and all of the discomfort associated with it.  Most likely we will do our egg retrieval on Thursday or Friday of this week so we're praying that all nine of the follicles we see will grow to full-term.

In church this Sunday, they announced a new series titled 'Listen' and it is coming at the perfect time for me.  I find myself telling the Lord my plans, my wants, my dreams, my hopes, basically talking at Him all day when what I really should be doing is silently waiting for His voice.  I've committed for the month of June to carve out half of my quiet time in the morning to do just that...be quiet and listen.  I can't wait to hear what the Lord has to say and start to align my wants with what He knows I need.

"Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice." Psalm 51:8