"Whether this or that..."

There have been a few times in my life where God's Word has literally jumped off the pages of my Bible and breathed life in to me.  One time was shortly after my dad passed away-as I was struggling to comprehend where God was in the midst of my hurt, Isaiah 43 was revealed to me:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

I have summoned you by name; 

you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers;

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God, 

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior"

That is still a verse I cling to when the uncertainty of God's plan and timing leads me searching for truths.  Recently, the Lord spoke again to me through scripture-Ecclesiastes 11: 5-6:

"As you do not know the path of the wind,

or how the body is formed in a mother's womb,

so you cannot understand the work of God,

the maker of all things.

Sow your seed in the morning,

and at evening let not your hands be idle,

for you do not know which will succeed,

whether this or that,

or whether both will do equally well."

Are you kidding me?!?  I never read that verse until a few weeks ago.  I take that back-I've probably read it before but never in a way where I felt the Lord speaking directly to me about our desire to be parents.  No more clear than an audible voice did I hear God, through this verse telling me to act.  I felt the presence of God directing me to plant seeds in multiple areas-infertility treatments, international adoption, and domestic adoption, to wait and see what He will do..."whether this or that."

I know our house will be full and I know at the end of this, I will look back in awe of God's story.  We have already seen Him at work.  Last week, we applied to four different adoption agencies; two for domestic-infant adoption and two for international adoption.  Two of the four doors have already been closed.  Only two agencies would allow us to proceed while simultaneously doing infertility treatments.  One agency is specifically for domestic, infant adoption and the other is specifically for international adoption.  Yesterday, we met with a couple who has done both-domestic and international.  They really helped paint us a picture of both processes and reality definitely started setting in about the challenging journey we are about to embark on.  We haven't decided whether to pursue both or one at a time and if the later, we're having a hard time deciding which option we're feeling more called to.

Yesterday, we also met with our doctor about next steps concerning fertility treatments.  We have decided to take at least this next cycle off because we have an insanely busy summer coming upon us and the extensiveness of IVF requires office visits every 2-3 days for at least three weeks out of my cycle.  While I don't think I'll ever actually get a mental break from our infertility, it is nice to think about having a few cycles off from obsessing over days, nutrition, physical activity, and everything else involved.

What's next?  Jared and I are getting on our knees and asking the Lord to direct us to which adoption route to pursue-domestic, international, or both.  Domestic timeline is 6-18 months, international can take up to 4 years, and both are not cheap.  We have a meeting this Thursday with our domestic adoption agency and a meeting next Wednesday with the international one.  Hopefully, by the end of next week, we will be able to make a decision.  Will you join with us in praying for that?

"Your Kingdom Come..."

Clearly my plans are not the same as God's plans for our family.  As a woman with a type-A personality, telling me that I don't have control over my family, my body, my timing, isn't something that sits well.  Nevertheless, the lesson of surrender is one that I have been and will continue to be learning.  My 'kingdom' doesn't rule over His.  On the contrary, I have to surrender my plans, dreams, my kingdom to the Lord daily and ask that His Kingdom would come.  Lord, give me the grace to do that.  I surrender the plans of our family to you and ask that you would use me as a vessel to expand your kingdom and bring glory to your name.

This infertility journey is not one that any woman expects to find herself on.  More so, as someone who questioned for the majority of her life whether or not I even wanted kids, when that desire came, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  In high school and college, I used to say that I didn't want to have any babies because I didn't want to go through pregnancy or labor, and because of my missions trip experiences, I knew that there were kids all over the world who needed a loving family.  I thought I would adopt all the orphans of the world and raise them in a commune.  That all changed when I fell madly in love with my husband, Jared.  I'm not quite sure how to describe it but I basically became obsessed with the thought of our babies having his amazing characteristics-strength, courage, integrity, joy, humility, humor, good looks...shall I keep going?  So, like most married couples, we wanted a few years to settle in to our married life and travel before we started trying to conceive.  We lived it up-traveled somewhere new every year, became beach bums of Huntington Beach where we recently bought a house, picked up new hobbies, and both started our dream jobs.

Fast forward three years into marriage, we found ourselves surrounded with babies and began having the conversations about trying.  For about a year we were content with "not not trying", know what I mean?  We weren't actively charting or monitoring but we also weren't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant.  Then, for about another year I began charting and became overly obsessed with understanding my cycle and fertility until about six months ago when we began fertility treatments.  We went to a reproductive endocrinologist who performed every test in the book only to determine that Jared and I were both completely fine and if anything, very fertile.  After three rounds of medication with IUI (intrauterine insemination) we now find ourselves at the beginning of our next journey.

From the start of infertility treatments, we prayed about adoption.  As I mentioned, it was always a desire of mine and Jared has always been open to it.  However, praying and acting are two very different things.  Up until now, I found myself resistant to starting the process of adoption because a little part of me felt like I was giving up on the idea of having biological children.  I began the infertility journey wanting to put every effort in to having biological children and then pursue adoption.  So what changed?  A girl can only take so many constant whispers from the Lord before it is plain and simple disobedience to not act.  He came at me from all angles-in songs, verses, sermons, conversations with people I trust, all directing me to act.  And so here we are-stepping out in faith and waiting to see what the Lord will do.  In a week we have our first IVF consultation and we have also submitted initial adoption applications to multiple agencies, both for domestic and international adoption.

I have no idea what story the Lord is writing for us but I do know this-His plans are always better than ours.  I'm clinging to the promises of scripture through this time and I'm choosing to joyfully wait for what He will do.  I must remember that God didn't give me grace for my kingdom to work, but to capture me for a better kingdom.

"Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Matthew 6:10