We are about one week from our transfer and let me tell you, minute by minute my emotions change. I've been explaining to people that I fell like I'm constantly at the intersection of hope and fear. Hopeful for the future, fear for the unknown..trying to be expectantly joyful.
I've also experienced, not for the first time but more often these past few weeks, tough conversations with people that don't understand our choice to proceed with IVF. I'm going to go with the assumption that the conversations came from a place of a genuine desire to understand, and not from a place of judgement. People who tend to be quick to judge in this matter do not take into consideration that when a Christian couple makes the decision to go with IVF, typically, it is a decision that is made with much prayer and seeking God's guidance in the matter. The decision to do IVF is not made flippantly. Our decision was certainly not made flippantly.
I also believe that people who are quick to judge most likely are people who have never walked down the road of infertility. People may think they know how they would walk a certain road if ever they had to walk it, but the truth is, until they have actually walked the road, there is no way possible for them to know what decisions they would be forced to make along the way and what choices will be made. The general public, being that they are fertile (infertility strikes 1 out of 6 couples in the USA) do not have a clear definition and picture of what infertility really means. This is understandably so! Why would a couple who decides, "It's time to make a baby!" and then several months later is pregnant need to know about infertility, IVF and all the other lovely things that come with it? They don't!
What most people don't realize is that infertility is a disease. Heart disease is a rampant disease here in America. Infertility is just as much of a disease that negatively affects the reproductive system like heart disease negatively affects the circulatory system. That is a hard reality to swallow-especially for someone who has dreamed, since childhood, of being pregnant and having a baby!
Yes, I am infertile but I am first and foremost, a Christian. I realized quickly that the heartache and pain I was experiencing by going through infertility was not a curse in any way but was (and is) god's way of allowing His glory, His power, and His strength to shine through me as I walk this very dark road. It was when I realized this truth, shortly after starting my infertility journey, that I chose God. I did not choose bitterness, anger, jealousy, rage and hurt, although all of those emotions have certainly played a role at some point during this journey. Infertility has a way of knocking you down flat on your face, month after month. However, I am a Christian, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what was (and is) available to me...
...God's love, God's peace, God's joy, God's strength, God's power. I knew all of that, and more, was available to me if I chose to give up my own will and surrender to God's will. Giving up my will for God's will also requires something else. It requires seeking God's guidance and direction for every decision that must be made. This is why a close walk with God is so important! Knowing God's will and seeking His guidance takes close, daily fellowship with Him. It also takes prayer. A lot of prayer. Talking to God, and most importantly, listening to God. And then following God's leading-no matter where He leads you to go.
It sounds cliche but to say God lead us to IVF is the absolute truth! Which is why I also believe two dedicated Christians seeking God's will, can come to two different conclusions when deciding to do IVF or to not do IVF. God's plan and purpose behind my infertility journey is not the same exact plan and purpose behind another couple's infertility journey.
Three years in to it, I still do not have the complete picture but this I have learned:
Anyone who makes a judgmental statement towards a dedicated, God-fearing couple and their decision to proceed with IVF after seeking God in the matter, is essentially judging their personal relationship with God. The Bible clearly states that it is only God who clearly sees in to the heart of a man and his motivations. God has plans for us that far exceed anything we can ever plan for ourselves. If we are to discover these marvelous plans that God has mapped out for our lives before we even live one day on this earth, it is going to take having a close, personal relationship with Jesus, a surrender of our wills for God's perfect will and an obedient heart that follows the lead of God.
That leaves no room for judgmental statements.
"Trust in the Lord wit hall your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3: 5-6
